Ramboud

Speech at the Hoarder Anonymous Group

Thank you for inviting me. You know who I am I have been many time. I’m a recovering Hoarder

My hoarding began when I was a child it started as a collection of things. First key chains, then buttons on shirts, then post cards, cups and it moved on from there. I initially organized everything. I’m a fantastic organizer when I have time. Then it kind of got out of control. When I had no time to organize it just got from being in boxes to piles then the piles got bigger then the large piles took over rooms. Then I have to collect boxes to put the things in that I have no time to put the things in. Then I had rooms full of boxes. When my bed room had too many piles I moved to another room of the house. I went into the basement. When my parents passed away, I then took over their rooms and when my sister moved away, I then took over the whole house. In the Oprah show I heard of the term Goat Paths and how they were described. Oh I wondered is that what they call them.The path from the front door to  the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom, piles close to the ceiling on the left and right, becauase it was impossible to get in to the other rooms in the house, except to climb over the piles. All the doors were stuck in their position. Once a freind moved some boxes and said to me when was the last time you closed this door I said “Why?” and showed me  inches of dust behind the door. To this point in my life I didn’t know dust could get that high.I replied oh maybe a few years maybe but I knew it was more than a decade.

I knew where everwhere was. Those piles is my book pile, that pile my electronic pile the other my clothes, the other this and that. I was organized. I thought to myself. I lived alone. It didn’t bother me. Only when the few times that I allowed the privledged few to visit me. Then I realized oh where was a chair? I think behind or may in that pile. I knew I had a few chairs somewhere. They stood and we spoke. From their eyes I noticed the disorganization and dispair, they were uncomfortable that made me uncomfortable then I decided not to invite people over. When they were not around, I liked it like it the way it was. So I invited less people and to a point nobody. It got depressing but at the time I found the quietness comforting. I felt the things were memoires from the past freinds and stories in each. How can one throw a freind away? That book was my dads. Even though he never read it. It once was his, a memory of him. That old tissue was once used by my brother, even though he was long gone. Maybe over 20 years. How can I throw him away. I couldn’t how can you throw your borhter away, could you?

I once spoke to someone about people about this. I know, I know the contemporary term is hoarders. She said I can do that job. To help people clean. I said to her. No you can’t. It more than just cleaning. Moving a tissue in the trash. They can clean it has nothing to do with moving a box or throwing something in the trash. They are fully capabile of doing it. They are not idiots. We had a half hour discussion that’s it more than boxes, more than throwing stuff away. It’s letting go of memories, of being ready to let go of the past. Imagine letting go of a freind the emptiness one feels. A breakup. Do you understand? I told her. She said I had such insight. I said I read alot and understood what they were going through. I didn’t mention I was a collector myself, a Hoarder.

Tell me how does one let go of freinds, of memories? I stood one day and decided I had enough. I gave it real thought then I realized if I threw these things away I would feel alone. Then I realized I was already alone in a sense even though I had many memoires and things. These things are not people they are things but in my mind they are people. Each thing was a memory a connection to a person. How can I throw a person away. If I did I needed a replacement. Like if I broke up in  relationship. I would need new freinds, new people in my life. Where do I substitute? I didn’t know. Time was ticking in a way. The true people freinds that I had, each day threated to call Oprah on me. Yes Oprah the avenger of Hoarder publicing them on TV. I could see it know the nightmare of having Oprah knocking on my door. Actually the threat of calling of Oprah really scared me. Oh God me in my pajamas and my neighbords I could not do it. I attemped to look at shows on TV of Hoarders. I was horrified. The poor people what tramatic experience they were going threw. Putting all their things in the middle of the yard. Then putting each item one by one in piles Junk pile, Donation Pile and Keep pile. Oh my God! The torment the poor people my friend were amazed of their house being cleaned at the end of the house I could not make it threw the show in 10 minutes of these horric episodes.

I decided I would do it on my own I purged throwing stuff away. I took photos of the things that I wanted to know what it looked at. Donated clothes bag after bag. The Salavation Army I must say loved me on my visits each time my car full of clothes. The garbage men dreaded me on the days when I purged from end to end about 5 feet high. Did I mention the house had 12 large rooms and 10 had stuff from floor to ceiling and the other two rooms were stuff with goat paths? Well I am proud none ever reached the ceiling. Until I mentioned it to a friend that I wasn’t that bad and she said “What are you waiting it to reach the celing beore you decided to clean?” In all honesty the ceiling were to high I couldnt put boxes that high.

A freind helped me clean some items and he found a peice of metal about to throw it away I asked what it was before he threw it away. He said it was a coupler the thing that connects a car to a trailer. That was my dads dream to travel in his car and trailer when he retired. I took that piece of metal and just sat in the chair and cried and cried. How can I throw his dream away. He was gone about a decade but his dream was alive in my hand. Damn you  why did you die? Your dream is still here in my hand. I needed to be alone. This happened over and over over many items. Very tormenting, each photo, the smell of an old hat, tissues that my brother had blown his nose. As weird as it sounds. It was a memory, a story an emotion a person a friend.

I did alot of cleaning, the first thig I noticed I couldn’t sleep. Not because of the things that were gone it was because of the darn echoes t hat bounced off the walls made too much noise. I could not stand it too much noise the stuff actually absorbed the noise and it was a dead silence before in the house it was great. Now the noise I had to deal it and on top of the open space there was light coming from the windows. Never realized I had so many windows in the house. How bright it was in the house. The drapes someone mentioned were so grey when was the last time they were washed I said grey? No they were white. Oh they needed to be cleaned one day I cleaned them. Yes I then discovered then what white meant and the rooms got brighter. I needed dark glasses in the house for a while.

I felt an emptiness as I thought I would. I need real people to fill up the emptiness I was feeling. I let people in and had dinners. One of my freinds who was helping me in this venture had a freind who was traveling into town and had me to put her up in an extra room that she had helped me clean. Wow the first time I had a guest over . Well over 10 years maybe 15 I don’t recall. It was weird. She asked me what was the weather like I said let me look it up on the Internet. Before I could look it up she was out in her shorts and tank top and just for a minute outside the door and came back in granted it was October she quickly came back quickly in a minute and said it was cold. I said really? It was October what did you think? I had more guests a friend and her mother over for dinner from a distance you would think they were sisters  because the mother looked so young. They were my first dinner guests it was nice. It was funny they sat on the chairs and a puff of dust rose. Oh I thought to myelf I forgot to dust the chairs. They smiled. Another day a freind came over and we cleaned out more boxes from the upstairs and the first light entered from the upstairs it was amazing. Let there be light.

An interesting thing happened a few weeks later, a neighbor across the street saw me and asked what’s new I said nothing. She said who was that girl with in the shorts coming out of your house? I had forgotten I said oh a freind visiting out of town. Then after some polite conversation asked who were those two girls visiting you for dinner? I said oh the mother and daughter oh yes visiting from Germany. She smiles ah huh, mother and daughter. I wondered what was their point. Then they asked you know you lived across from us for 30 years and we never saw light top floor of your house and I replied oh yes a freind is helping me clean and she smiled “Ohh is that what they called it. Cleaning” I was really puzzled by her remark. Seriously people get werid sometimes. I must say.

Before I  was in a quiet, dark house with my freinds all around me. I miss them. Really I did. I really can not remember that state of mind I was in before, it is hard to explain. It was a different reality.

Before I was eating alone in the darkness looking at my piles and now I have a bright house, with light coming through the windows, people who visit me for dinner.

Once where there were echos of the past from the things and now there are echoes of new freinds that tell me stories whose voice bounce off the walls from new stories. A much different reality which I really enjoy.

I am no longer a hoarder of things. I am now a hoarder of stories from new freinds.

Ron Sattar @ 2012

Kite Flying

Years ago my bother passed away it was emotionally difficult on all of us. I was going through a tough time. Actually my whole family was going through something tough. I saw this show on TV. I forget the name of it but this guy, who goes through a tough time. Loosing his job, wife divorce and family and very very tough situation. He lost everything he treasured. Throughout the story you see him struggling then at  the end it was very uplifting. He flew a kite and realized that the simplest things in life were the most important. He understand by just flying a kite, in itself can be everything and just by that simple act, can be very joyous. Enjoying the simplesting thing was it. We don’t need a big house, big car they are just things. What we need to treasure what we have, if it just be at the moment and enjoy the simple thing as flying a kite. Just like other movies like flash dance inspired people in to dance, 101 Dalmatians inspired people to adopt Dalmatians and so on and so forth I was inspired to fly a kite to get the same feeling.

Just as we are inspired we must face reality. We all need to remember sometimes things don’t turn out as they are supposed to. Some people are not physically ready to dance they can injure themselves and not all people are ready for a very active dog such as a like dalmation the good adoption agencies actually put a ban on adoption of dalmation . This is one of those stories that it didn’t turn out exactly as planned.

I shared the kite movie with the rest of the family while we were driving in the car, but they didn’t quite understand the whole story. They were all in their own worlds. My father even though did not get my weird motives and  indiocratcies at times. He kind of  understood that I wanted to dosomething and needed to be happy. He knew I, no we all needed some uplifting. I shared with him that in school, we had flew kites and how fun it was and in the movie how inspirational it was about uplifting one spirits and letting go. He reluctantly agreed. So now the questions was where were we going to find kites it was getting pretty late and soon to be dark at night.

My father was determined even tough with resistance in the beginning to assist me in my quest. We drove to several places. You know when you dont want something it’s at all the stores and whe you do it’s no where to be found anywhere. That was the case here. But we finally found it and it was getting dark by this time it was sunset. Next step where were we going to find a place to fly the kite? We drove to a large park by the lake who is going to be there right at dusk. Barely enough light. Luckily we found a large grassy area and small hill by the lake. How much better can it get? My mother and sister sat in the car looking at my father and I probably all confused and dumfounded is the best word to describe it. I was amazed how delighted my father was eventually. OK may I was delighted at first. My quest to fly a kite and get that feeling but my father not so in the beginning, that would change soon.

Again looking back the expression on my mom and sister face were more of ‘Why on earth did you drag us here?” and reluctly shared this great moment with us. I was happy they were there with us kite flying. My father even though had no idea what to do, apparently never flew a kite in his life pretty much did most of the work and seemed more into it than I for as we continued.

He tied the string to the kite and walked away away from the car crossing the sidewalk in the darkness across the large field of grass and toward the small hill. I could barely see him in the darkness better. Soon to realize how were we going to see the kite in the darkness in the sky but were both were determined to do this. Just like the in the movie to get that feeling of enlightenment. I pulled on the string and he moved further away the string could barely be seen at this point stretching from  the car, across the dark side walk, barely could see the grassy field and nothing up the  hill and he kept pulling waiting for the great wind to pull up the kite to uplift out spirits. From the corner of my eye I thought I noticed something moving but before I would react in the darkness. I tugged at the string and the my dad pulled and looked at me and he said pull. The kite string was really tight ready for the wind to pull it up. At that moment I realized what I had seen from the corner of my eye in the darkness. Yes it was a speeding biker in the darkness on the sidewalk and before I would let go he crossed the string of the kite. My father looking back at me and me at my father saw a glimpse of this poor guy speeding in his bike then hitting the tight kite string then all of a sudden do a great summer salt up in the air must have been 10 – 20 feet in the air a back flip and fall to the ground. I was devastated OMG! I thought what happened!  He then skidded a little bit and must have landed on his bike. My dad quickly tore the string and let go of the kite and the kite flew away. My once dream the inspiration was gone. I tried to find the kite my vision fly away and then the poor biker on the ground.

We ran toward the poor biker look at it and he was shocked of what happened his front wheel bent like the letter C. His bike was crushed. He stood up and nothing really happened to him a few skids marks and bruises but he stood up apparently ok. He didn’t realize what just happened to him. Just shocked what happened to his bike. I am thinking what nutty person rides his bike at that speed in the dark?

My Dad asked the guy, if he was ok, he said he was ok. My dad didn’t admit to anything and the poor guy didn’t realize what happened. My dad told me to get into the car and he knew it was our fault but didnt want to take responsbility.  My dad gave me one of those lovely lectures that I had become accustomed to as a kid. What kind of bright idea was that? What got into you and blah blah. I zoned out. He realized how upset it was we drove quiet for a while.

You know like in a Three Stoogies skit where something happens to Moe, Larry or Curly the there is tension and Moe hit Larry or Curly but nobody really gets hurt and everybody finds it funny. Well after a long silence we spoke  about that poor guy and decided he really wasn’t hurt, allof a sudden people realized how funny it was? We all burst out laughing. Basically about the amazing back flip the guy did, how far it flew in the air and had no idea what happened to him sitting on the ground looking at his bike. We laughed on the way home, at the time it was like a guilty laught. The poor bike all bent out of shape. He must have taught WTF happened? The expression on the poor guys face. It was very funny. I totally feel guilty but it was funny seriously it was well, at that time.

It seemed to me, what we want or dream  we want, doesn’t always work out exactly as planned but sometimes it does.

The Rolling Stones said it best. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you find you get what you need.”

What I thought, I wanted was inspiration but in reality we had inspiration, ‘We were inspired to be a family that stuck together in a very tough.”

I got what I really needed that night laugher to break the tension with the situation. What I learnt that night. It’s sometimes good to step out of ones comfort zone, do something nutty or different. Sometimes we need step back in life, so we can move forward and that’s what I got that night.

I took my first step back to move forward.

Ron Sattar @2012

Am I an Alien?

You know when you’re a kid and you feel out of place. Most of my childhood I felt that. Was I adopted was I a space alien sent here just to observe you humans. I didn’t really know. Some of my action I recall irritated my dad and my mother I recall would just smile and smile. She would give me simple rules to follow. Always say sorry if you hurt someone. Remember to smile stuff like that. Now that I’m older and have learnt to accept myself I know it’s “Wonderful to be me”.

I recall once playing chess with my brother for half hour and I lost. I couldn’t realize what I did wrong to loose. I moved all the pieces back to their original position then asked my brother to wait a minute. Just like in a sports games they hit the reply button and you see the game on tv. I in a minute systematically moved all the pieces that he made and I made from the start game. I think it kinda freaked him out from the expression on my brothers face he said what the hell. I looked at him and realized something was wrong but didn’t know why and quickly apologized. I explained to him I just wanted to see what moves I did wrong and needed to learn from it. Let’s say we never played chess again.

As I got older there was this concept of Autism and Aspergers came out and got popular in the media and as they were describing it my freinds would look at me and smile and I would look at them and say “What?”. I recall seeing the movie Rain Man and saying hey he’s normal in the movie why are they picking on the poor guy. Doesn’t everybody count toothpicks when they fall on the ground, or number of stairs, or number of chairs? After a while I gave up in discussing it with them and have self diagnosed and accepted myself as probably having Aspergers and OCD  even though I disagree with them all.

Aspergers in my opinion is sensory overload issues such as we don’t like loud music, flashing lights, touch and heat/humidity it creates anxiety. I think to deal with sensory overload we tend to hyperfocus to try to ignore the other sensory inputs to we don’t shut down.We tend to hyperfocus meaning focus on one aspect and block out everything else to deal with the anxiety produced.

In short OCD is obsessive compulsive disorder. My OCD has so far only narrowed down to something called Evens. This is the tendecy to even everything out. If I touch my left ear I need to touch my right ear. If someone touches you you need to touch them back. If I am walking on a crack I need to step on another crack to even it out, it gets really fun when there is a shadow and a crack then it becomes like a dance you must dance with me if you ever see me do it. Sometime phrases or words we need to even out so it may sound like we are repeating but we are evening out so don’t freak out.

In relationships you can imagine this being a little fun. I met this girl once, after a while of talking, it was going pretty well. By this time I had learnt a few rules. Looking at her face and eyes because I knew eye contact is important to you all feelies. Feelies are people like you all . You all that keep saying “I feel this or feel that” We have NO idea what you mean. Seriously. Feeling and emotions are a mystery to us, it gets in the way of us, seriously we don’t get it. Also looking at the lips because it helps us to focus and not get distracted with our surrounding. She kept bumping her knee at me or touching me. So as you know I have OCD evens, so to even it out I had to bump her back or touch her back each time she touched me. How did she know about evens? She was really cool. It was fun. My aspies was well hidden. I was doing so great. Well sorta until it ended.

Let me explain how the relationship ended, how my aspies had really kicked in, one day in the middle of winter. It does that when I am stressful situation.  I asked her if she needed a ride to her place because it was cold. We walked several blocks to my car then I asked her where she lived. We drove back several blocks back to the school. I soon realized she lived literally just across the street. I was very puzzled. The only thing that was going threw my mind. What is wrong with this girl. Why did she walk with me a few blocks in the middle of winter snowing, was she nuts I was puzzled and kind of ticked off? This is when my aspies kicked in. When we sat in front of her place I was waiting for her to get out because it was freaking cold and wanted to go home. Again she kept touching my arm and guess what? Yes I was evening it out and touching back, eye contact and looking at lips to focus of course. Only thing going to my mind was. “What’s wrong with this girl?” She needs to stop touching me. I can’t keep this evens going on. I thinking to myself. I am getting really tired of this evens, I’m cold and I wanna go home.

The last thing I remember was that she looking at me at my eyes and I at hers as it’s important for you feelies the eye contact and she said “So” and yes I said “So”, I was evening it out with the word  “So”. She sat there which seemed to last forever and uncomfortable moment, I sensed something should be happening but had NO idea but I know I was freezing I don’t know what her problem was but I eventually blurted out “Is there something wrong? Aren’t you going home? ” I swear I heard her say something mumbling under her breath, quickly exited the car and slammed the door loudly and walked away in the blizzard. I was totally confused. What’s wrong with this girl. I think she was angry but what did I do wrong? I attempted to talk to her a few times after that but never spoke again.  I was really puzzled.

The next day, I asked mutual freind what’s wrong with her and explained what happened. He looked at me with a smile and she’s “Son” Yes he used word son, “If you don’t know no point of me telling you”.  I seriously thought it was going well. Another learning experience. I learned when dropping off someone to say “Nice evening, hope to see you again” and wait patiently.

Each person I met I learnt more and more and was getting better and better with what to say and do but sometimes these rules, as you can imagine, don’t fit perfectly.

Years later a girl friend lost her key to her bike and called me crying  that she couldn’t get home, yes this is the one that jumped out of the car. I was ok I’ll pick you up. I was getting better about understanding feelies and had learned a bunch of other techniques on the way. I could recognize her being upset, because of the crying but seriously could not understand why, it was only a bike.  Why was she so upset about the bike? Honestly what’s the big deal. This is where my hyerpfocus had kicked in. I focused on just the bike and picking her up. I had a mission.

Let’s put it this way, I drove and  I picked her up. She continued complaining how she had a tough day at work, late at night,  it was cold because of the blizzard, she was stuck in a bad neighborhood and scared. The only thing I could focus on is it’s just a bike and take her home. Well apparently my non sympathetic tone of voice and I think I mentioned that maybe we should stop by the hospital and get her some valium to calm her down, don’t think it helped the situation. I was only trying to help seriously. Well shortly after my comment, which I truly regret verbalising. She asked to get out of the car and started walking in the blizzard. I then realized maybe I said something wrong when she got out in blizzard late at night, not a good neighboord and she’d rather to be with me in the nice warm car. I dawned to me I must be worse then the blizzard. I followed her for a block before I convinced her to get into the car or she’ll catch a cold. But seriouly it was only her bike I was thinking. Well you can tell that relationship didn’t last very long. From this experience  I learned “Not to offer a ride to people to the hospital for valium unless they ask for it.” I am still learning.

This last girl I was seeing I thought to myself I will be honest I explained to her about my aspergers and evens to get it out in the open. Also on how I need to process the situtation before I understand what is going on. Honestly does not always work out. After a month she got fed up with my other odd behaviors that had come out. In the last day when broke up, something happened not sure what exactly still a mystery to me honestly but she  looked at me and say “Did you process this? Did you process that” while she was screaming and sarcastic with a loud voice oh by the way we don’t understand sarcasm, honestly we don’t. I just staring at  her at her eyes, put a smile on my face and nodding cause I know you feelies appreciated  the eye contact, smile and nodding, but I don’t think she appreciated it at the time. Lets put it this way, it was the shortest relationship I had. I moved on. So much for relationships.

Before I finish, we are just a regular people like you and want to be treated the same. Have a sense of humor by us and we will have a sense of humor of the weird things you all do, trust me you all have weird behaviors. Imagine if there were more of us than you in the world. You’d be the odd ones.

By chance if you see me dancing my even dance in the middle of the street please join me. We can dance and laugh as all of our idiosacracies and unique behaviors and celebrate life with a smile.

Also if you find yourself with someone in your life who has the urge to kiss one side of you check then the other or nibble your left ear and right ear and so on, please just enjoy it, we doing evens and please, please never, never look at them and say “Honey I’m not a ping pong table. Stop going back and forth.” It breaks the mood. Seriously it does.

Again I must say “It’s wonderful to be me.” Good I said it twice. Evens.

Ron Sattar @ 2012

READING at http://Heresthestory.org/  on August 5th 2012